The One Thing Parents Do That Makes Childhood Anxiety Worse (With the Best Intentions)
It’s called accommodation — and almost every parent does it. Here’s how to stop without making things worse.
You do it because you love them. Because watching your child suffer is unbearable. Because it works — in the short term.
You avoid the restaurant that’s too loud. You take a different route to avoid the dog. You answer the same question for the fourteenth time because it calms them down. You stay until they fall asleep. You warn them about everything in advance so they’re never surprised.
This is called accommodation. And it is the most common thing parents of anxious children do — and the single biggest thing that keeps anxiety going.
Why Accommodation Feels Right
Because it works right now. Your child is distressed. You do the thing. The distress stops. Your nervous system relaxes. Theirs does too.
The problem is what it teaches the brain over time.
What Accommodation Teaches the Anxious Brain
Every time a child avoids something scary with your help, their brain learns two things:
1. That thing WAS dangerous — otherwise why did we avoid it?
2. I can’t cope with that thing without help.
The anxiety grows. The list of things that need to be accommodated grows. The child’s world shrinks. And you become exhausted trying to manage an ever-expanding list of triggers.
How to Reduce Accommodation Without Making Things Worse
This is not about going cold turkey. Withdrawing accommodation suddenly causes a massive spike in anxiety and makes things much worse. The goal is to reduce it gradually and supportively.
Step 1: Notice what you’re accommodating
Write a list. Be honest. Most parents are shocked at how long it gets.
Step 2: Pick the smallest, least important item
Not the school refusal. Not the dog fear. The smallest thing on the list — the one you could reduce with the least upset.
Step 3: Tell your child what you’re doing and why
“I know this is scary. I’m going to help you get a little bit braver. We’re going to try doing [thing] this week. I’ll be right with you.”
Step 4: Tolerate the distress together
This is the hard part. When they’re upset, be present. Don’t fix it. Don’t rescue them. Let them feel the discomfort while you hold the calm. Their nervous system will regulate — it just needs time.
Be Patient With Yourself
You didn’t cause this. You’ve been doing the most loving thing you knew how to do. Learning to do it differently takes time, and some days you’ll go back to the old way. That’s okay.
AFFILIATE LINK PLACEHOLDER — When Children Won’t Stop Worrying — parent guide to anxiety: [INSERT ANXIETY PARENT GUIDE AFFILIATE LINK HERE]
AFFILIATE LINK PLACEHOLDER — Brave Little Penguin — children’s book about facing fears: [INSERT CHILDREN’S ANXIETY BOOK AFFILIATE LINK HERE]
Not sure where to start? Take our free quiz and get a plan built around your child’s specific patterns.
